


I'll Try Living Like This

by patrick-will-consume (dave_thecreator)



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Depression, Hahah i love pining keith tbh, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Pining Keith (Voltron), Self Confidence Issues, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-30
Updated: 2017-01-30
Packaged: 2018-09-20 19:39:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9509813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dave_thecreator/pseuds/patrick-will-consume
Summary: Based loosely after Season 2 and after Shiro's sudden disappearance.Lance feels the only way to prove his usefulness is to be the support, the shoulder to cry on. Keith also struggles to assume the role of the leader while trying to find a way to confess his feelings.The only way this can work if they both figure out that they cant compete, but help one another.





	1. Chapter 1

Lance never understood what he was doing wrong since the very beginning.

He tried, in earnest attempts, to become better than Keith. Despite it all, no matter how hard the effort, Keith was above him in every aspect. No matter what Lance did to get the full appreciation he needed, Keith outshone and time and time again. It seemed the things Keith was excellent at kept expanding. More and more Keith was shown as the important one, the one who will lead Voltron.

The one that actually mattered.

It hurt Lance's head, it made his gut twist and the tears fall, he wanted to dig his fingers deep into his palm, it hurt in all ways possible.

What was he doing wrong?

Whenever he felt that he was doing something right, Keith did it better. He always will be better.

Is there even a point in trying?

Is it worth being alive if all best efforts were not accepted?

Lance, however, did not want to die. He was, in a way, afraid of what would happen. He tried many times, choking down pills and throwing up and stabbing his wrist but it never succeeded. Instead he would wake up to a crying mother and siblings, the guilt took over, it made him sweat and cry even more. The feeling of selfishness crawled all over, the feeling of "look at what your stupid thoughts did, look at your mother! She's crying because of you." never stopped.

Lance was afraid of death.

The only thing that made Lance feel worth it all was being the emotional staple. Like a guardian angel, the shoulder to lean on. Every day, he would routinely meet each of the Paladins, even Keith, asking them how they feel. They saw an opportunity to let all emotional baggage let loose, the opportunity to admit all the dark thoughts they had. When it was done, Lance felt satisfied, felt useful that he's the only one that any of the Paladins could talk to in such an unfiltered way.

Pidge would ramble about her dear brother, Matt, and how she misses him. Poor girl, overworking herself, she reminds Lance of one of his little sisters. Lance sees his sister and the brotherly feeling makes an appearance again. He feeds Pidge and make sure she rests, he wants her happy. He would make her take a break and pat her head and make sure she's okay. That's what mattered most.

Hunk overworked himself as well. He never left his room, he desperately needed to find Shiro. Hunk barely left the premises to eat anymore. Lance could tell, he had bags under his eyes and he knew he didn't sleep like he used to. Lance gave him food, made him leave the room and play video games with Pidge. It made him happy to see the two acting like they used to.

 

Lance apologized to Allura, and he saw this as a chance to make her feel safe to let her emotions out. She talked about Shiro, how much she missed him, because he made her feel the best she has ever felt ever since the death of her father. It was sad, how Shiro affected the whole group. Lance made sure Allura got to sleep as well, she spent so many days awake trying to find Shiro. She said she appreciated Lance was helping.

That was all he needed to hear.

 

Keith was a weird case, he barely talked about anything. It took a while until Keith finally spoke about what he is going through. Keith was his rival (and sometimes a pain in the ass) but he had to help.

Lance thought it was the only thing he could do.

Keith talked about his dad, his dad who talked funny with a heavy Texas accent. Lance couldn't get over the fact that Keith was half Texan. His dad liked conspiracy theories, specifically ones about aliens. He thoroughly believed that Area 51 was full of aliens, and he also believed in cryptids. They once took a road trip to Point Pleasant to meet the Mothman.

Keith commented that the Mothman has a great ass.

Lance was surprised that hanging around with Keith, and just dicking around was thoroughly entertaining. Keith had a strange sense of humor, but it worked. It was the most happy Lance ever saw Keith. 

For now this is okay.

 

Lance still felt unworthy. He didn't know why.

\--

Keith didn't understand what was happening. He really didn't.

No conspiracy theory film prepared him for this.

It was a while ago, maybe a month, that Lance suddenly became Keith's new best friend. His new partner in crime. Why?

Lance was always a weird person, Keith thought it was strange how Lance suddenly just...wanted to help Keith. Like a therapist. It concerned him.

Keith wouldn't admit it even if God himself asked him at the gates of heaven, but he had an incredibly embarrassing (hormonal) crush on Lance since he made his first impression at Garrison. And what an impression that was.

In one of classes,while the teacher left for barely a minute, Keith heard someone yell obnoxiously loud :

"PUSSY"

Everyone turned to the guy who said it, and Keith saw Lance in all his glory, smiling like he made the best joke in all time continuum, and the other classmates laughing. Lance looked at Keith, winked and Keith's face quickly became hotter than a preheated oven.

A good looking dude whose humor is loudly yelling the names of genitals. Truly boyfriend material.

That was the end of it however, and Lance started to hate Keith, and show his hatred in the most immature ways possible, like letting a fart rip like a beyblade in front of Keith's face. Keith then learned he would probably never win the heart of the cute boy with an inappropriate taste in jokes.

 

His best friend was his right hand, then later both hands. The pros of being  
ambidextrous.

Keith of course liked other boys before Lance. Too many really, he was pretty gay. A cute smile and maybe a wink can make his knees become so wobbly and make him sweat entire waterfalls in an instant. He was always just more preoccupied with his long essays about the New World Order and the sightings of the chupacabra (he swore they are real, he wants to meet one if he can) rather than doing his actual work for his school. No wonder he was bound to get kicked out.

When he did get kicked out, he felt like he should've cared, but really didn't. Another responsibility to forget about.

He was now surprised that Lance is trying to make a friendship. He tried so hard to make a rivalry, and it was sort of there, but one sided as hell if Keith could be honest. And now? He wants to be pardners. Weird.

 

It was weirder how Lance, when Keith told things he wouldn't even tell Shiro, he swore Lance had some secret power, Lance never said one thing about himself. He vaguely knew that Lance had a large family and he missed his mother, but beyond that he knew nothing. 

Is Lance even okay? It was a strange question to think, the guys always so happy and the only one not even faintly bothered by Shiro's sudden disappearance. 

Keith didn't want to over think it, maybe Lance was just an overly positive person. That's the conclusion he came to.


	2. Enjoy Yourself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith is a cryptid gay, Lance and Keith are finally becoming space ranger partners.
> 
> Also very immature humor, Keith is very gay
> 
> Also I wanna mention that the Klance will happen soon dont worry ;) just gotta shove more angst

Lance learned that Keith had incredibly strange interests. This ranged from books about cryptids (He still couldn't get over how Keith genuinely unironically believed in cryptids), self written essays dissecting the Illuminati symbolism in music videos, and the walls of his room covered in "clues" and conspiracy theories about the sightings of the Loch Ness Monster.

He believed in aliens, which makes sense since he's an alien himself, but he believes in Area 51 level of aliens. He also believed the world was going to end in 2012, upset it never happened, that chemtrails are a thing, and that the New World Order secretly planted chips into their brains to monitor their thoughts.

With all the unexplainable shit that has happened, Lance finds the idea of pyramids with one eye slowly brainwashing humanity something that makes more sense than purple aliens with fur trying to take over the galaxy.

He also wondered why Keith didn't wear a tin foil hat.

Keith also had a weird taste in music. Not as weird as Page's favorite song being "The Bee Movie but everytime it says bee it is replaced by the Nutshack theme but everytime it says Nutshack it's replaced by the entire Godfather series by with every mention of the godfather is replaced with We are Number One" but he still liked music that was on the same level of that.

He liked country.

Country.

Keith is a Texan, Texans are cryptids themselves, of course he would like such garbage like country. That wasn't the problem. The problem was Keith having a big smile on his face, saying "Listen to this Lance, it's my favorite song" and hearing "Achy Breaky Heart" by Billy Ray Cyrus play at max volume, probably giving him hearing issues. Even worse, Keith was being serious. He legit likes that song.

Lance then came to the conclusion that Keith was a smart, great leader, better than him in every way, but also a guy who was an impulsive dork who most likely goes to sleep with his head wrapped with tin foil and a butter knife. 

This fact was not helped when Keith one day decided to overdose on caffeine at 2 am and asked Lance to come to his room. He proceeded to tell the entire plot of End of Evangelion while jumping on his bed and taking a sip from a 2 liter Coca Cola while Burnin Up by the Jonas Brothers played in the background. 

It was a religious experience.

Keith ended up passing out when he got to the part where apparently Kaworu has metaphorical sex with Shinji in space while his dead mother is somehow connected to Kaworu's back. Lance tucked him in bed, and just as he guessed, there was a butter knife under his pillow.

No tin foil to be spotted however.

\--

"Keith why was the Jonas Brothers playing in your room?" Hunk seems to ask just randomly while he, Keith, Pidge and Lance sat at the table. Allura who was just leaving, suddenly stops and turns, interest piqued by this question.

Keith almost spit out the goo, instead it just dribbled all over his shirt which is just as bad. Lance is more amused than anything

"Well, I-I like the band." Keith admitted, still somehow embarrassed by the fact he likes a band from 2010 that catered to 10 year old girls.

"Jonas Brothers are a classic!" Pidge said in a booming voice, pounding both hands on the table to prove her point. 

Hunk nods, "You are right. But buddy, it's not as good as Britney Spears."

Pidge rubs her chin and hums, "Britney Spears is good. Not as good as Beyonce though. Beyonce is a legend."

"Oooh! Interesting! Human culture seems so diverse." Allura says excitedly, sitting down near to Keith, who seems to be having an existential crisis. 

He's glad that they didn't make fun of his taste in music.

"Yeah princess, wait until you listen to Lance's playlist that consists of like, 400 songs." Pidge says to Allura, doing finger guns and a wink which causes Hunk to let out a snort.

"You mean the 420 songs that are slowed down Japanese funk from the 80s with two dance beats over layered?" Hunk continues, and this makes Lance start having a giggling fit. 

If there's a joke, Keith doesn't get it, and Alaura looks confused but intrigued.

"Lance, you must tell me about this, this playlist of 420 songs!" She practically yells, which causes Hunk and Pidge to both go into laughing fits and doubling over, ignoring the food completely.

Keith is lost. Again.

"Holy god princess....Lord have mercy. You! You said 420!" Hunk says, pushing his bowl of goo away, he wasn't going to finish this anytime.

"Is 420 a special number or something?" Keith asks innocently, "I don't get the joke."

Pidge starts crying from too much laughing, but not at Keith not knowing what 420 is, but because he asked so seriously. Hunk is also starting to tear up.

"Don't worry broski," Lance says patting Keith's back, Keith's face heats up at such a nice gesture, he's really gay, "420 is just the weed number."

"Weed? As in plants?" Allura asks, leaning in as if Lance was explaining Calculus.

"Nah, weed as in like, the dank kush. The marijuana."

"Ooooh." Both Keith and Allura say in awe.

At least Keith learned what the weed number is.

Now he wants to know why, during lunch, that Hunk and Pidge lost their shit at hearing Coran say he had 69 cents. Maybe 69 was a special number.

\--

Lance showed Keith his 420 song playlist, which was all just songs from different vaporwave albums. Keith said he liked Saint Pepsi the most.

Lance was also humored by how Keith suddenly asked what 69 stood for.

"It's the sex number."

Keith looks so shocked it's hilarious to see someone so calm most of the time get so surprised at the mere mention of sex.

"S-sex?"

"Specifically, the position where the two people face each other but their heads are going the opposite ways." Lance explains, using his hands to give Keith an idea.

"Wow."

"Yup."

Keith from that day on not only asked questions about certain words or jokes, like why Pidge liked The Bee Movie so much, or why Hunk made a joke about the Galra being secretly just overly dedicated furries.

And for the first time in a while, Lance felt happy, like they were actually bonding.

And for the first time ever, he didn't feel like Keith's shadow, but his friend.


	3. Cherry Pepsi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mors stuff from Keith's side because...I gotta shove more angst
> 
> Also hormonal teenage boys talking about masturbation
> 
> Btw the chapter names have no coloration with the actual content these are literally just the names from Saint Pepsi songs

Lance was again awaken by Keith at 2 am to go into his room for another one of his silly adventures. Keith was an entirely different person early in the morning. He was unfiltered in every way possible and incredibly weirder than usual. He was himself basically.

Keith said he somehow had coffee beans in a small plastic bag, akin to how you would hide drugs, in his (ugly) crop top jacket's pockets. Lance hated that jacket, the collar was always not folded, red does not go with yellow at all, and it barely went pass his waist. Fashion disaster all around 0 out of 10 in IGN.

"Why do I need to know that you somehow smuggled coffee beans into your awful awful jacket."

Keith looked offended at the jacket comment but then smirked again, "We should make coffee with these."

Lance quirked an eyebrow, "I doubt theyre still good. At best it would taste like booty."

"Nah, these are good, I swear."

"How are we gonna drink this though. I dont think we have any mugs or whatever."

Keith starts smirking even more, its kind of unnerving, and walks over to his bookbag of things. He shuffled through, finds a fishbowl and throws it onto his bed.

Lance gapes, "Thats fucking glass Keith. You couldve broke it!"

Keith shrugs, "I have bad aim. No one can be a sharpshooter like you, bro." Hearing the word bro come out of Keith's mouth sounds alien, "Its a wonder it didnt crack in, like, 0.5 seconds or something."

"That makes this worse." Lance says, but hes playing around, Keith really is impulsive. He could only imagine the amount of things Keith must have broken. He did learn this morning that Keith should never be allowed to look at the ceramic plates section in a store because he ends up having a one on one duel with the entire shelf.

Lance picks up the fishbowl, suddenly processing the idea that Keith called him a sharpshooter (he implied that he thought Lance was better than him at aim, it made Lance feel like throwing up but in a good way) and the fact that Keith wanted them to drink coffee out of a fucking fishbowl. Old coffee that was slow roasted in an ugly jacket.

"Is this even clean?"

Keith shrugs, "I grew up in a shack. I had no sense of hygiene. All I did in the shack was eat all day and masturbate excessively."

Lance sputters at how Keith just admits he jacks off, apparently a lot, but more grossed out at Keith's lack of decent cleanliness.

"Did you ever get cramps in your hand from, um, excessive masturbation." Its a serious question.

"I am well versed in both hands. I can use both. When one gets sore i just use the other one. I actually learned to use both just for masturbation."

"A noble cause."

A very deep thought provoking conversation.

"How are we gonna make this coffee, we have no machines." Lance asks, still holding the fishbowl. Hes going to clean this later.

"Easy, I grew up in a shack. I know what to do."

\--

That was a mistake.

Keith is something else on caffeine, as in, super hyper. 

"Lance have you ever watched hentai"

Lance spits out the coffee (which does in fact taste like booty) and wipes his mouth. What type of question?

"Keith, I had two little siblings. I cant ever dream of even watching regular porn."

Keith gasps, and grabs the fishbowl to take a large gulp of gross coffee, "I have. Once."

"Was it....nice?"

"It was well animated. But garbage."

\--

Lance ended up falling asleep after they both drank the entire fishbowl of coffee. Lance closed his eyes and fell foward straight (hah) into Keith's arms, it was the most cheesy cliche Young Adult romance shit that Keith ever witnessed.

He still liked it though.

He tucked Lance in bed (Lance was too heavy to carry to his actual room) and Keith slipped in. It was too small so he went fetal position. 

He woke up when he heard Lance crying, and he turned to face him. He wipes some of the tears away, must be nightmare, until Lance leans towards his face and-

"Mami..."

Keith stumbles out his bed and lands onto his ass, it hurts.

Lance was crying about his mother.

\--

Lance was Coran's favorite. It was obvious to everyone except Lance himself. Keith ended up learning about Lance's obvious self esteem issues when he would talk in his sleep and it became more apparent the more and more they hung out that Lance was hiding something.

Keith felt unused to not being the top person, even after the fact all of them accepted him as the replacement leader until Shiro's return, Coran only let Lance next to him and no one else. Not even Allura.

It made sense however, Lance did save his life despite not knowing him that well.  
It was such a daring move, it made Keith's stomach feel tight. Lance was so heroic and didnt even know it.

That was the moment where Keith truly developed his feelings from a small crush to full all in love. Lance collapsed and Keith extended his hand, and Lance grasped it. It was shaking. 

He was all bruised and bloody, but managed to smile. Keith was partly pissed off at how Lance could just throw his life like that constantly, but the other part of Keith it made his throat feel so tight and dry. Lance was so selfless it physically hurt his head.

It didnt help when Lance almost got his arm ripped off defending Pidge, or getting put into a coma covering Hunk, or being so close to being blown up protecting Allura. Keith didnt like it because it would make him think too much about why Lance is so....unconcerned with himself.

Lance once almost died for Keith. He didn't like it.

It made him worry too much.


	4. Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More Hunk and Pidge interactions cos I get agitated when klance fics ignore those two
> 
> Also i didnt post chapters for the past two days cos i was busy studying for my written drivers exam. I passed and i will be getting a permit soon.  
> :-)
> 
> Also any other latinos relate to mothers saying   
> Sana sana colita de rana. Dame un besito para hoy y mañana? Mi mami used to say it whenever i scraped myself she genuinely believed it worked.
> 
> Also la chancla is not a force to be reckoned with

Pidge was an interesting girl.

It was hard for Lance to muster the courage to go up and strike up the (worst) attempt at small talk or whatever with Pidge since she is, after all, a literal child prodigy. Another bullet against Lance's already bad self esteem.

Lucky enough, Pidge was the one who start the conversation in the middle night and Lance still has trouble processing the reason she told him for coming to talk to him in the first place.

"I need you to help me with this." She one day asked, slowly opening his door. Lance blinked, pinched himself, trying to see if Pidge, Child Prodigy extraordinaire, wants his help of all people.

"With what, buddy?"Lance said, he noticed his voice going into the concerned older brother voice intentionally. He cant help it. Pidge reminds him too much of one of his little sisters.

"I...I dont know how to set my gaming console to this system we have. The wires, uh, I have no idea how to effectively set them up." She sounds a little ashamed.

"Pidgey, Im not good with technology. Or computers. Or most things really. My method is turning things on or off." He rolls over on his bed to look at Pidge through the crack of the door, and motions her in.

"Coran told me you're the smartest person hes ever met." Lance feels his arm twitch, "I trust his judgement a lot, hes a cool dude."

"Im...Im really not. You shouldn't be wanting to set up gaming consoles at 12 am anyways, kiddo." Lance cant help but want to tease her, like an annoying older sibling, "Its past your bed time."

"Im not a kid!" Pidge says in a high pitched whine and she stomps her foot down, "If I want to play video games I will play video games."

Lance ruffles her hair, its too amusing, "Then I'm going to carry you to your room, you will brush your teeth, and I will tuck you into a little cocoon in your bed."

Pidge puffs her cheeks, "Whatever mom. But can you help me set it up tomorrow? Pleaaaseee?" She makes puppy eyes for emphasis.

Lance rolls his eyes, "Whatever you want." 

They set up the console the next day, and Lance somehow did it correctly.

Pidge also liked it when Lance tucked her in bed. It reminded her of Matt, and in her dreams, she had two brothers.

\--

The only person who knew the worst things that happened to Lance are Hunk.

Hunk knows everything that Lance was too ashamed to tell anyone because he said he doesnt want to loose his dignity.

Hunk would never judge Lance for his feelings, would never judge Lance for what he had to deal with. Lance was a goof, but he was his goof. And a smart goof at that. He respected Lance for helping him and reminding him to take a break and emotionally exhausting himself, it was concerning but his intentions are honorable.

He was going to bring that up later. 

Hunk knew of Lances nervousness when it came to speaking Spanish, he said his mother didnt want him to speak it in public because she was afraid for his safety. 

Its scary to think that speaking your own language can get you physically hurt. 

Hunk knew that Lance trusted him a lot if he freely spoke Spanish around him, even if he was speaking things he knew where silly jokes.

One time Hunk got a papercut during an intense study session during Garrison, and Lance saw it.

He grabbed Hunk's hand, looked and inspected the paper cut before patting it and saying, "Sana sana colita de rana. Dame un besito para hoy y mañana," before kissing the paper cut.

"There!" Lance practically exclaims, looking proud, "Its healed!"

Hunk looks at the paper cut, amused but also confused by what exactly Lance did. 

"Now I have to give you a kiss! For today and tomorrow." Lance beams, kissing the paper cut.

"I have no idea what you just did to my cut bro."

"I said '' Sana sana colita de rana. Dame un besito para hoy y mañana," which means 'health health tail of the frog, give me a kiss for today and tomorrow' in Spanish, it sounds dumb as shit in English."Lance explains and Hunk goes "Oooh" to show he understands.

"Did your mom used to do that?" Hunk asked, and Lance nodded.

 

"She believed it worked. She would say it and kiss the wound. Latina moms are weird dude, wait until you meet her. She's going to see you and force you to eat a whole bowl of beans and rice with chicken and you must leave it clean."

Lance told many stories of his silly mother, who said things like "Thank to god" and whenever she caught Lance saying "coño" which apparently means is a Spanish slur for "pussy". His mom never scolded him, all she had to do was show her "chancla" and that was all she needed to do. 

Hunk knew Lance missed his mom.He said that she gave the best hugs. When he heard this, Hunk intended on being the best hugger ever.

So whenever Lance felt lonely, and came into Hunks room looking tired and homesick, whispering, "Bro can I get a hug?" Hunk wrapped his arms around Lance as tight as possible.

Hunk loved Lance like a brother, and they would stay like that, hugging for the longest time.

For now, they were both content.


End file.
